No, not mine.

But another blogger friend, she put up a post considering whether it’s a bit too harsh to say divorce is wrong, or sin.  She has noticed that a lot of people take very harsh views of divorce, and wonders if things aren’t quite as black and white.

They never are.

However, I don’t think divorce is as grey as she does.  I replied with a discussion about the real problem when we consider “exceptional” divorce circumstances.  I’ll summarize for you here.

We all know that God hates divorce.  Why?  Because marriage is a symbol, a human reflection of the relationship of God himself - Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  When we divorce, we are breaking apart relationships that are meant to be permanent.

There are two reasons why divorce shouldn’t happen amongst Christians.

1.  God is a God of healing and restoration.  That is what he is all about.  If he can resurrect dead people, he can resurrect dead marriages, can’t he?  If we don’t have enough faith to believe God can restore a marriage, we need to work on our walk with Him a little more.

2.  If we’re really walking after the Lord, we will be loving our spouse and sacrificing our own needs for theirs.  If both spouses are Christians, then I can’t imagine a scenario where this recipe for marriage fails.  This is why it is so important not to be unequally yoked.  If you’re both Christians and serious about it, then there is no obstacle that can’t be overcome.

However, God made an exception, because He knows we aren’t perfect - far from it.  He concedes for us that divorce can happen for reasons of adultery or unfaithfulness sexually to your spouse.  It is instructive to consider God’s words to Israel in some parts of the Old Testament.  Many times the prophets state that the Lord considers Israel, or Judah, or both, to be playing the harlot, or prostituting herself.   In fact, I know of at least one case where God says He is divorcing Israel.  Yet over and over again, God has always left the door open for Israel to return, repent and be restored.  His lovingkindness is everlasting, despite his hurt at being cuckolded.

So God allows us to divorce if our spouse has been unfaithful, but I believe God can even restore that relationship, so I would still counsel against divorce, but cannot ultimately stop it if this is the reason.  Further, I would also view chronic pornography use as adultery - there is no question in my mind that staring at pictures of others, naked, can only be fueled by lust - adultery in your heart.  If a person cannot repent and leave that sin, then divorce should be granted.

But what about couples that make a mistake?  What about those who thought they were marrying someone who acted a certain way but learned that isn’t the reality?  What about people who just don’t love each other anymore?  What about people who “stay together for the kids”?  What about people who don’t even share a bed anymore but are more like “roommates”?  What about people who constantly fight - who just clash in everything?

All of the above descriptors, if used of a Christian couple, represent sins against God, not each other.  They have failed to follow Jesus with all their hearts like they promised.  They have failed to love God and love their neighbour.  They have failed to love their spouse like the Bible clearly commands.  They all need to repent of those sins and get right with God and each other for the wrongs they have done.  Divorce is not a solution.  Why?  Consider this story.

A man grows up without ever learning to read and write.  Finally, one day he realizes he needs to know how to write.  He tries and fails.  He’s only tried once, but he is frustrated, because he’s known his hand for years, but just can’t make it do what he wants it to do.  Even though he’s done lots of other things with that hand, successfully, he never taught it to write.  Still, it doesn’t work, and he can’t imagine it ever changing, so he cuts it off.

Was cutting off the hand the right choice?  Well, it wouldn’t do what it was supposed to do.  It was never taught, it was never given time.  It was never helped.  Problem is, it will never get a chance to again.  It is gone.

What would have been a better solution?  Well, practice comes to mind.  Instruction, guidelines.  All these things are ultimately what is missing from a couple that is falling apart.  They haven’t had good guidance, they haven’t practiced loving each other.  They haven’t been taught or had modelled the kind of love that will sustain their marriage.  What’s that you say, but this couple has?  If they have had all of these benefits, but their marriage is still falling apart, then as I said before, the real root of the problem in the marriage is the couple’s sins against God and themselves.  If they are right with God this will take care of itself.

I know, easier said than done.  I never said it was easy.  But you know something else?   Instruction and modelling are both tools that will help sustain and repair marriages.  Where do they come from?  From living in community with other believers, and practicing humility to look to others for help.  Again, Christians who are serious about following their saviour will seek out this kind of community.  If they don’t, then it is understandable that their marriage may well deteriorate.

God has provided us all the tools to grow, sustain and repair marriages.  Divorce should be a last resort.  If we let everyone think that “shades of grey” are reason enough to tolerate trivial divorces amongst Christians, we shouldn’t be surprised that such triviality has contaminated our churches and is causing Christianity all over North America to wither.

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