Boundless has a good discussion about the predicament of singles in churches today.  We have some singles in our church and I have definitely had, at different times, opportunity to speak into their lives.  When I read this quote from a single guy having trouble with the reaction of his church to his situation, I started looking at it from the other side.

One single man, quoted in Julia Duin’s Quitting Church, talked about his experience of telling his small group that he wanted to get married,

I was rebuked by the elders because, according to them, the Bible says it is better to be single to serve God better. They, obviously, were married, and I didn’t understand, if they felt so strongly about being single, why they themselves weren’t single. When I would ask for prayer, I would get a lecture about being content, and was told I needed to stop focusing on self and serve God better.

From his perspective, he felt rebuked, or given pat answers.  Things like, “be content” and “focus on God” are hard for people to hear who have tugs on their heart, or have their biological clocks ticking loudly in their ears.  Yet, from my perspective, as a guy who had that tug on his heart pretty early (I started seriously looking for a wife at about 22), I have been there.  At the same time, I am now on the other side.  I have given that advice and had it rebuffed.  One gentleman got downright angry because what he heard from me and others was (again not actually what we said, but it was what he heard) to stop wanting a wife, and focus on God.

The thing is, I say such things not to be dismissive, but because that is exactly what had to happen for me to be blessed by a wife.  I recall vividly where my heart was at in the year before I met my wife.  I was dealing with a breakup, and was trying to figure out how to do things differently to avoid such events in the future.  However, it was not until I finally quieted my heart and made a decision, overriding my emotions, that I would strive to be content with God and build my relationship with him, that God opened up a door to meet my wife.  In fact, it wasn’t two weeks after I had a conversation with God, telling him how happy I was that it was just him and me right then, that I met her.  There was something that God wanted my heart ready for I guess.  That was my experience, which is why I dispense that advice.  Not as a put-off, but in hopes that God prepares them the way He prepared me.

So singles, give us all a break, eh?  We actually do mean well.  And sometimes advice isn’t what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.  Itching ears and all that.

I should say one last thing though.  I am not advising people who desire marriage to stop looking.  I believe there is a posture both physically, mentally, and spiritually that a person can be in, still looking for marriage, while being content in your heart with regards to pursuing God.  I think that is the place I was in.  I was still making efforts to meet people and expand my social circle.  I was still intent that any relationship I pursued with a woman could, potentially be one culminating in marriage.  But somehow it wasn’t at the forefront, and I was no longer letting it dictate everything.  There’s a difference there somewhere.  Maybe someone smarter than I can discern it.

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