Boundless has a good discussion about the predicament of singles in churches today. We have some singles in our church and I have definitely had, at different times, opportunity to speak into their lives. When I read this quote from a single guy having trouble with the reaction of his church to his situation, I started looking at it from the other side.
One single man, quoted in Julia Duin’s Quitting Church, talked about his experience of telling his small group that he wanted to get married,
I was rebuked by the elders because, according to them, the Bible says it is better to be single to serve God better. They, obviously, were married, and I didn’t understand, if they felt so strongly about being single, why they themselves weren’t single. When I would ask for prayer, I would get a lecture about being content, and was told I needed to stop focusing on self and serve God better.
From his perspective, he felt rebuked, or given pat answers. Things like, “be content” and “focus on God” are hard for people to hear who have tugs on their heart, or have their biological clocks ticking loudly in their ears. Yet, from my perspective, as a guy who had that tug on his heart pretty early (I started seriously looking for a wife at about 22), I have been there. At the same time, I am now on the other side. I have given that advice and had it rebuffed. One gentleman got downright angry because what he heard from me and others was (again not actually what we said, but it was what he heard) to stop wanting a wife, and focus on God.
The thing is, I say such things not to be dismissive, but because that is exactly what had to happen for me to be blessed by a wife. I recall vividly where my heart was at in the year before I met my wife. I was dealing with a breakup, and was trying to figure out how to do things differently to avoid such events in the future. However, it was not until I finally quieted my heart and made a decision, overriding my emotions, that I would strive to be content with God and build my relationship with him, that God opened up a door to meet my wife. In fact, it wasn’t two weeks after I had a conversation with God, telling him how happy I was that it was just him and me right then, that I met her. There was something that God wanted my heart ready for I guess. That was my experience, which is why I dispense that advice. Not as a put-off, but in hopes that God prepares them the way He prepared me.
So singles, give us all a break, eh? We actually do mean well. And sometimes advice isn’t what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. Itching ears and all that.
I should say one last thing though. I am not advising people who desire marriage to stop looking. I believe there is a posture both physically, mentally, and spiritually that a person can be in, still looking for marriage, while being content in your heart with regards to pursuing God. I think that is the place I was in. I was still making efforts to meet people and expand my social circle. I was still intent that any relationship I pursued with a woman could, potentially be one culminating in marriage. But somehow it wasn’t at the forefront, and I was no longer letting it dictate everything. There’s a difference there somewhere. Maybe someone smarter than I can discern it.
Nope, I don’t need that advice, and my ears aren’t “itching,” which I find to be insulting, as it implies that single Christians who are hurting over being single are not into good doctrine, we are easily duped, etc.
Sorry, but as a Christian woman (early 40s, never married, but who wanted marriage, have no idea why I’ve not been married) I can’t agree with your views.
I was totally content with singleness for years at a time but despite that, God did not send me a spouse.
There are plenty of Christians who were not content and yet still got married.
I don’t think focusing on God alone/ being content (and the usual cliches and platitudes singles hear) are magical formulas that will guarantee a spouse.
Neither does have faith/ pray about it/ wait on the Lord’s timing/ serve while waiting/ go to Sunday School singles classes/ join dating sites. I’ve tried it all, and it doesn’t work, either.
Stop telling singles to “be content and then you’ll get a mate.” It may have been true for you, but it’s not true for me and thousands of other singles.
Thank you for the comment. I used myself as an example but my example by no means establishes the advice as normative. What establishes the advice as normative is that it is from Scripture. The “Seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness” principle can be found throughout the Bible as being what Jesus is calling all believers, single and married to. You can discard this advice because “it hasn’t worked” if you want to, but following Jesus isn’t, like some authors and teachers write, a “Your Best Life Now, Guaranteed” prescription. I totally agree, there is no magical formula. Because the truth is God is most interested in conforming our hearts to His Son’s. And for some (and I don’t know you and even if I did I would hesitate to suggest that anyone could know someone well enough to be sure), keeping them from their heart’s desire is what is ultimately best for them to become more closely conformed to Jesus. Because for some, attaining that would send them into a spiral of self-sufficiency and distancing themselves from God, who we need more than anything we think we want.
I think C.S. Lewis had a very good point when he said, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
From your comment you sound quite frustrated by your pursuit of love and marriage. I don’t blame you, I have been there. But I am afraid that telling me and others to stop saying, stop teaching what God teaches in His Word just because it pragmatically “didn’t work” in your case is like saying to doctors, “Stop telling people to have sex if they want babies, because I had sex for years and never got pregnant.” Sometimes there are other reasons for what we experience than we in our limited perceptions can understand.